Friday, August 27, 2010

Back to school......

So as of today there are 5 days till school starts and for crazy people like me, 4 days (I never count the present day or the day of when doing a count down to some thing, it's how I roll.) : )
I love summer break and being able to spend time with my children. But I am going to confess some thing girls..... (this is were the lemons come into play). As my kids get older I have found that summer break is just a bit to wearing on me, I have much guilt over this! When I read peoples comments on FB about being so sad for school to start and their kids being gone all day, I ask my self "what is wrong with you Amber"? My be in all fairness the last 3 summers haven't been the best environments. I was pregnant the first, my dad had just died the second and this last summer I had my mom living with us.
Really what gets to me is the fighting, bickering and rudeness!!! It's as if they hate each other and are on consent battle grounds. I ask them if they love each other they say yes! I ask them if they wish their siblings were gone they say NO! So I ask them whats the deal? No answer. I feel completely worn out, stressed out and fed up. This then causes me to feel like a failure as a parent. I try to entertain them, plan ahead and stay calm but to be honest I don't believe that my job as a mother is to have every moment of their day planned out and scheduled. This causes them to not use their imaginations and creative play. I think to many kids today spend to much time "being entertained" and then get out on their own and never feel satisfied because they expect some one else to come along and entertain them!

Back to me being a failure...... I don't think I am! I know I am a good mother (not perfect, thank God) but good and that I am doing the best that I can (most days) with what I have at this season in time. I look at my babies and I am so grateful God blessed us with 4 healthy, happy, and beautiful children. I also ask God "Am I doing things good enough? Is there more I should be doing? I'm I making the best choices for them?"
Take for instance the other day, while we were in the grocery store. Maxx asked if I would please go back to the reg. peanut butter bc he could not stand the new stuff? I asked him what is it about the new stuff you don't like? His reply...... (big shocker) he didn't have one! LOL But then went on whining about it and saying it is torture and he can't have any sandwiches any more bc he can't stand the new mayo ether!!!! It got to the point he was near tears, over peanut butter and mayo....... REALLY!?
I had made a decision a while back to start making better choices for our family in our eating. For the rest of us this was fine but for Maxx it has been like we have tied him down and dripped water over his head for months!
So in this case am I really making the right choice for him if every day we are getting up set and near tears bc of a sandwich? Is it worth the endless whining over peanut butter???? I think so...... but is that being the mom he needs or is it better if I give in and get him the stinking mayo he prefers?
This is just a tiny example of the tug-o-war in my heart with the my ability to raise my kids.
I go to bed at night not able to sleep some times bc I am feeling guilty over a decision I made during the day that upset one of them! CRAZY, I know!!!! I lay there asking God to give me peace and insight on the direction in the decisions I make for them.

Here is the Meringue........
I am only 1/2 of their upbringing!!! "Praise God!" I am grateful to have Josh to help in the choices and decisions of their lives.
My heart cries out to those single, hard working parents that have to play both roles in their kid's life. They have no choice, those are the cards life dealt them and they are doing the best they can and the friends I have that are doing it all alone are doing it good!

Back to Josh, he is a good dad with a heart to serve the Lord, love his wife and be the best he can for his kids! I admire the hard work he puts in to provide for us and then the time he puts into coaching, yes it is his passion but fortunately his passion of coaching is some thing he is good at AND some thing he gets to do with his kids. He has his issues and thank goodness they aren't the same as mine or our kids would really have it tough! LOL But really who doesn't?!
We balance each other and I know when I am failing at one or two parts I can go to him and he will step in and take it from there as I do for him!
I have faith in the Lord that these are His children and chose to give them to Josh & I to raise, trusting that we can (with Him) do our best for them!!! That is at the end of the day what I need to stay focused on.

OH- back to the subject of going back to school.......... sure I will miss seeing them through out the day, hugging & kissing me, making me laugh at the right moment BUT I do look forward to us ALL getting back into a rhythm. Grocery shopping with only ONE child, cleaning the house in the morning and it not getting dirty till 4:00pm! The smell of yummy home cooked meals filling the house, Sat. football games, fall colors and smells all around. I get a thrill just writhing about it ; )
I don't feel bad, I am just not that kind of mom and that is OK, it does not mean I love them less or am not as good as others. It just means summer is to darn LONG!!!!

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